Small difference, big difference

 A song that is currently getting consistent airplay in country music circle is Luke Combs cover of the Tracey Chapman song 'Fast Car'.  While the cover remains true to the original in many ways, there is one small change to the lyrics.  

Luke Combs version of the refrains goe like this:

You got a fast car
Is it fast enough so we can fly away?
Still gotta make a decision
Leave tonight, or live and die this way

In Tracy Chapman's original version, the first two refrains goes like this:

You got a fast car

Is it fast enough so we can fly away?

We gotta make a decision

Leave tonight or live and die this way

The third refrain goes like this:

You got a fast car
Is it fast enough so you can fly away?
You gotta make a decision
Leave tonight or live and die this way

See the difference?  

Luke Combs version suggests that the it is 'we' that have to make the decision to stay or leave.  Tracey Chapman's version starts with 'we', but ends with 'you'.  The suggestion is that the singer has decided they are stuck, cannot leave, and are giving their other the option to leave them behind and head to a better life because the can.  

There is harsh reality there that people experience every day.  'I love you so much I am telling you to leave without me'.  Puts a lump in my throat just thinking about being in that situation.

Small difference, big difference.

What did we do before (_______)?

Someone very close to me recently posed the question 'What did we do before (_______)?'  Humans seem to be wired to constantly strive to build better tools, going from sharpened stones and petroglyphs on cave walls, to lasers and smart phones in the matter of a few thousand years.  Barely enough time for the universe to blink. 

What we did before (_______) was that we had realistic expectations based on the world as it was at that moment.  Waiting for letters to come in the mail because this was the only way to send written messages person to person.  If you were not home when someone called, they had to keep trying until you were home because mobile phones and voicemail did not exist.  Examples too numerous to list if you look at the whole of human history.

What did we do?

The more pressing question is what would we do if these things ever went away? 


    

A short talk with the New Year.

Welcome 2013, I hope that you did not have any issues finding us?  The year you are replacing just left in a huff because he was told he had worn out his welcome.  Some ground rules if you are going to stick around for a time:

1. Be gentle with us, we all had a challenging time with 2012 and while it could have been much worse, it was not as good as we had hoped.
2. Understand that this is a temp job - no one gets to stay longer than 366 days (most stay less).
3. We take the 'to every thing there is a season' thing seriously so try to keep them timely and orderly.
4. Lastly, know that we will not be intimidated by your unknown and together we will find a way through whatever you bring with love as our sword, reason as our shield and common sense as our armour.

Sincerely,
Humanity

Let the little things lie.

We all can easily get hung up on the little things that do not go right in our lives, as if we could see 'perfect' while we are standing smack dab in the middle of 'above average' or 'excellent'.  Today is Christmas and my day has been relaxing, fun and filled with love and family togetherness.  As I sit and ponder the day, my mind wants to rewind to the worst part of my day - having my thumb viciously attacked by the hood on my wife's vehicle while I was attempting to refill the windshield washer fluid.  It appears that the hydraulic pistons that are supposed to keep the hood up when it is opened are only there for show at this point and they allowed gravity to have its way with the hood as soon as I let it go.  Thus, hood+gravity+thumb in the path of hood=bruised and in pain.  Truth be known, I spoke to the hood (and indirectly to those who designed this particular automobile) with some words that were quite the opposite of the holiday spirit.  Now, every time I use this thumb (for example, when I am typing), it hurts some and reminds me that the folks in Detroit should have received some coal today.  Of course it does not take a genius to realize that letting this small and ultimately inconsequential event sour my whole day would be the epitome of foolishness.  Yet, we all have this the ability to allow this to happen.  If today were not Christmas, there is a good chance that I would make sure that this is topic number one when asked 'how was your day?'  But, having thought about it enough to write this blog, I will resist, and focus on the many ways that this was a great day. 

Not perfect, but good enough to let the little things lie.

Open letter to my grandparents

I wish you could have been here the last few weeks.  The kids were very into the holidays, believing, as children should, in the power of miracles. As I looked at the light in their eyes, I felt you smile over my shoulder.  It is moments like this that make the time away from work the most valuable time I have.

They are growing up so fast, yet they are still little and we had some quiet moments as well just sitting on the couch together watching sports on TV.  They are loving, caring, playful, mischievous, and fun little boys who make me proud daily.   

I just wish that I could see your face again, give you a hug and share the joy of their childhood with you in person.

Love always.

Resolution

Coming down the stretch toward the end of 2011. This past year has been a challenge and a blessing in so many ways. It is easy to focus on the negative - the family and friends lost (some way too soon), the challenges with keeping sane in an increasingly disfunctional world, and the everyday stresses of family and work. It is not always as easy to focus on the positive - watching my sons grow and learn, the weeklong family vacation with perfect weather, the quiet moments that present themselves if you let them.

This time of year many people will try to close out 2011 and start anew with 2012.  They want to compartmentalize each year, evaluate it seperately and make a clean break on things that they do not like or should change.

'Ah-hah!' you say, 'now is the part where we talk about resolutions and the like!'.

Those who know me will most likely have heard me say that the only resolution I have ever made is to never make another one. The modern New Years Resolution is an attempt to make a change in our lives or how we live them in one fell swoop by simply stating or writing down what you will now do and/or will never do again. They have become cliche', hollow and rarely are followed through. This line of thinking treats our lives like this year was one project that is ending and that next year is another project that is about to begin (compartmentalization).

Better to use another definition of resolution - quality of detail in image. While this definition is about photo or video images rather than life experience, I find that it fits well in describing what I do. I do my best to self evaluate - give myself some constructive critisism, some praise (we all at least some things right) and determine what I need to work on more moving forward. Trying to reconcile the quality of detail in the image I have of myself and my life with what is actually going on outside my head.  To put it another way, I wish to bring my life more into focus. 

We are all travelers on a journey that ends the with the same result. Taking time every so often, say, every 365 days or so, to check how we are doing and make adjustments just might mean that our trip is more enjoyable and lasts longer.

Here's to all of us striving to be better people every day until our time on this earth ends - no matter the date on the calendar. 

Thankful

Another Thanksgiving come and gone. This year was extra special because we hosted both sides of the family in our home for Thanksgiving. We were not certain that we could fit that many in the house, but as our forefathers did, we made it work and everyone had a wonderful meal. Food and drink were plentiful, the kids played nicely, football on the TV. Typical realy.

When it came time to say grace I was ready. I had picked out a prayer by Emerson that I thought was good and it was non-denomenational (mixed religions in the room means that grace can become a point of contention if not handled with deference to all). Then someting happened that I did not expect. I bowed my head to read the words and got all choked up, almost to the point where I could not finish. I was not even sure why I felt the way I did. No one said anything and i have no idea what the rest of the family thought. So, the only one I needed to explain this to was me. Once everyone was gone and it was on to the long holiday weekend (and the honey-do list) I started to mull it over in my head. When the answer came to me I almost smacked myself in the forehead.

Something so simple.

It had been a Perfect Moment.

The fact that we were all there, together, breaking bread as a family on a beautiful fall day, happy, healthy, not thinking about our troubles or issues.

A Perfect Moment.

In this world, in the age that we live, these moments are rare.

We gather to be thankful for many things. Children, Spouse, family, health (of ourselves and the aforementioned), roof over our heads, job (especially these days), food on the table, etc. This list goes on. The one thing that goes unsaid but is (hopefully) felt by all is that thanks for that moment in time.

It comes and goes in an instant and we never know when (or if) the next one will come.

Looking for trouble

I had a thought this week that some people are just looking for trouble. Most people would say 'well duh', but I am thinking deeper than the obvious on this. how many times do we hear about someone who 'has everything'? Let's face it, most of the time you hear about them because they have done something stupid and now face losing all or some of what they had. Some would say that trouble finds them because everyone want what they have. Others would say that they find trouble because they have over sized 'it will never happen to me' egos. I propose a third alternative that there is something in all of us that does not allow us to feel right if there is not some drama in our lives. The urge may be stronger for some and there may be others who fall into categories one or two before this even kicks in. Nevertheless, it is there, waiting for things to get too comfy and then take over. I could list examples large and small, but you all know them as well as I do. Do we crave a certain amount of chaos? Are we hardwired for this?

Am I asking for trouble just by opening up the subject.

Been avoiding this...

Well, those who follow this blog know that I have been away for a while. A bit over ten months in fact. Not sure what happened to the first eight months. Time flys, it was a busy winter, kids grow too fast and there is not enough time in the day for all of it.

Excuses.

I do know why I have been away the last two months. It has to do with the tragic loss of the person who challenged me to start a blog in the first place. She was my first follower, my sometimes muse, and a wonderful friend. She left behind joyful memories, and heartbreaking what ifs. Her two sons and her husband will miss her more that anyone can imagine.

We are left asking why? We are left, each one of us, to mourn her in our own way. Part of my way has been to question where I am, what I am doing and where I am headed. As if her death was a horn and light in the fog, telling me to check my charts and instruments so that I am not dashed on the rocks. I have contemplated things great and small since her passing.

When I met this friend in college, I kept a journal. Technically it was a sketchbook and it was required for my major, but when I open them up and read through them, I remember enough to fill in the blanks that were too personal to include in something my professors occasionally read. I kept up with the journal off and on since leaving college. OK, more off than on. I remember thinking after writing my first few blogs and reading others blogs that it was very much like an online version of my old sketchbooks.

So that led me to this question: Should I keep the blog, keep the journal, keep both or loose both? Let's remove the obvious and say that I will not stop doing both. I see value in each, and each one lifts my soul in different ways. Also, should I feel compelled to keep blogging in honor of my dear friend? The answer there is easy. The first thing she said to me about blogging was to do it only if you like it. Never do it because you feel required to do it in any way. Words to blog by. A blog also become public property - once you put it out there, anyone who can find it can read it, so it is different from my journal. I would love to tell you that I came to a concrete decision and have a grand plan but that would be a lie. For now, lets say that I am keeping my options open with regard to the blog and journal.

As for my avoidance of the blog, well that is certainly done. I still miss my friend more than I can express, and it pains me to see her last blog entry and know that there will be no more. But, I am going to soldier on, keep a stiff upper lip, and know that no matter what happens from here on, it's all good if you can laugh.

Blog Challenge

As you may or may not know, this blog entry was prompted by a challenge to a fellow blogger by her 'friend' (not sure if that makes it a second cousin twice removed or a long distance dedication - I always get those mixed up). So, the challenge is to write on one of two subjects:

1. Why do I blog or,
2. Top 10 reasons to read my blog.

Lets go with challenge #1.

As was mentioned by my friend with the 'laugh' blog, both subjects are a bit egotistical and self serving but are simple enough to get the writing flowing and let everyone (no matter the bend of their blog) join in. Well, here goes.

I blog so that the I can sort through the thoughts and feeling that tend to rattle around in my head. Life is chaotic at times and requires frequent introspection lest we lose ourselves amid the constant churning. The blog is my time to slow it down, take a breath and try to pick up the pieces. For that reason, I do not blog every day - heck you would be lucky to see me blog a couple times a month. Not to say that I do not have enough chaos in my day to day to write about, I just choose to wait until it reaches critical mass before attacking it. My blog is for me alone, but if there are others who find it interesting and wish to read it, all the better. I am glad that there are a select few who choose to follow my blog and that there are a handful more that check it out when I link to FB (you know who you are). As one of my prior posts noted, it also serves as a form of journal or sketchbook. In this fashion, it preserves my discussions on things and allows me to go back from time to time and revisit what I was thinking and feeling (as opposed to those who believe their journal will be considered literature upon their passing - I harbor no such delusions). In the end, it will all just rattle around in cyberspace until someone deletes it because it is old and no one reads it. Till then, my blog helps me to keep everything between the lines.

In my world, that is reason enough to do it.

Picking Things Up.

The following blog is an excerpt from an the last entry I made in my journal/sketchbook over a year ago. The realization hit me like a load of bricks when I noticed it sitting on top of my dresser and realized that what I used to do on paper with pen is now online. Time will tell which one is the wise choice, but at this moment they will cross.

How much of our lives is spent picking things up? Pick up what you dropped, pick up a book you have forgotten, pick up my children's' toys, and even picking up this journal for the first time in too long. We pick up pearls of knowledge, pick up new phrases, pick up new jobs & customers, pick up our kids and pick up our friends when they are down. We pick up the phone more and more each day while our face-to-face interaction slows. Pick up pennies on the street even though they are not worth much. Pick up a cold when someone is thoughtful enough to bring it to work. Pick up games, pick up trash, pick up sticks, and on and on. To pick up is to grasp, hold, feel, understand and care. It is the curiosity that makes us human and the spirituality that gives us humanity.

May we live long enough to pick up many things.

Friends and Shades of Gray

This past weekend I experienced something new. I was de-friended by someone on facebook.

Let me start by clarifying how I define 'friends' on facebook: If I have accepted your friend request (you asked me)on facebook, there is a 70% chance that I do not actually consider you a friend. Since there is only one category I cannot split hairs - there is only black and white. Most of the non-friend 'friends' are individuals who would be better categorized as acquaintances. They are good people who I have no problem sharing any posts, pictures and contact info I chose to put on facebook. If I requested you as a friend, there is a 100% chance that I consider you a friend - I do not believe in friending people just so you can have more fiends. My hope in writing this is not to cause any paranoia among my facebook friends or to come off as condescending or arrogant. I am CERTAIN that there are individual that I have friended who hit the 'Accept' button simply because it was easier in their minds to go with the flow rather than worry about what that person would think of them if they ignored it. This is how facebook works and why it keeps people interested and engaged - the net controls you sometimes rather than the other way round (that is a whole other blog).

So, getting back to my de-friending. Since this is the first time it has happened so far (there may be more if anyone reads this blog), I was not certain how it would go. First off, there were no bells and whistles, no alert via email, no flashing box when you log in. The only way I knew was that I looked at this individuals post on Friday afternoon and when I went to check it out again on Saturday he was not in my friends list. Now, I know what you are asking - which category of 'friend' was he to begin with. He was in the acquaintance category, subcategory of former work colleague. His last post mentioned that he was having a change at his current work and since we work in the same field (as small one at that), I suspect that he chose this as a moment to cut ties so I could/would not comment on this change or pass on what was happening to others in the industry (this brings me to a whole other potential blog entry - where to draw the line on postings if you have co-workers as facebook friends). Reality is that while I found his post of interest, I had no plans to comment on his situation other than a potential 'chin up' type comment. Since we had not commented or communicated on facebook in a few months, I thought that even this might be viewed as opportunistic, hence why I did not comment upon first reading his update.

OK, so what is the take home message here? For me, the take home message is that everyone wants to be accepted and feel important (I hope we can all agree on that), and when you are 'defriended' your first feeling will most likely be a twinge of hurt. Reality is, if he felt that strongly about closing off that access to his life then he has me categorized lower on his own scale than I have him on mine. I am OK with this. I do wish him the best and hope that it all works out.

This has made me consider evaluating my facebook friends list and deciding if I should trim it a bit. If I did, should I message the defriendees (did I just make up a word?) prior to the defriending? If I was planning to defriend you, would you like to know or would you rather find out by happenstance? Would you try to talk me out of it or would you quietly accept my choice? Of course it all depends on what shade of gray I am in your corner of the black and white facebook universe.

Goin Mobile

Moving into uncharted (for me) territory - blogging from a mobile device. My DW recently upgraded to a Droid phone (I call it R2D2) and it can do alnost anything that a computer can do. Seems this should seem like a normal progression, but as I am logging in I was thinking how odd it will be to compose a blog via phone rather than sitting at the keyboard. For me, it is a change in thought process. Some day soon there may not be a distinction between mobile and not as we will all be carrying our computers on our belts. The question is, will this liberate us or will it further bog us down since we will always be connected.

Myself, I am cautiously optimistic and guardedly worried all at once. Hopefully R2 will be an ally and not an anchor.

Thicker than Thieves

Last night my darling wife went out and left our two sons in my care for the evening. We went for a walk, then back home for the nightly ritual of bath, brush and bedtime stories. As the three of us sat and read I was prepared to have both boys lie down in the big bed with me until they were asleep. Backstory is that while our 6YO will go to sleep all on his own, the 3YO still needs to have someone lay with him until he is asleep. Well, it came time to turn off the lights and lie down when my 6YO says that he will lay down with the 3YO in his bed to help him get to sleep. I was skeptical that this would work, but figured why not give it a go. Well, lo and behold it did work. I was amazed not only at the compassion and understanding exibited by 6YO, but also the fact that the 3YO has such a close bond with his brother that he makes him feel as safe as if he is with Mom or Dad. I have said it before in the blog, and I may repeat myself but there are few things that give me greater joy than to see my sons developing a lifelong friendship. It gives me a warm feeling deep in my soul that no matter what happens to them in life they will have each other a friends as well a brothers. That is but one of my hopes for them - that they become thicker than thieves.

10 Things that make me happy.

OK, first off, I have to say that I did not realize that it has been almost two and half months since my last post. Of course I have a good reason - it is spring, and I am a landscaper. Not out of the woods yet, so no promises that I am back to regular duty here.

Anyway, on the the subject at hand which was actually handed to me by a dear friend that I do not see enough of. Ten things that make me happy:

1. Hugs from my sons. Nothing in this world is more sincere and honest as the love expressed by a child with a tight hug around the neck.

2. Rita's cherry water ice. No further explanation needed in my book.

(note - this list is in no particular order and is not ranked in any way. I have had a long week and will. by nature, jump around a bit).

3. Sitting on the couch snuggling with my wife and watching a good movie. Heck, it can be a bad movie and she can fall asleep half way through and it still makes this list.

4. Seeing a job well done. One of the greatest parts of being a landscaper is being able to step back at the end of the day and admire the work that has been done.

5. Coffee. Legal stimulant. Nuff said.

6. Watching the sunrise on a cool misty morning like the ones we have been having lately in SE PA.

7. The sound of my sons laughing and playing together. I do not have a brother, and my sister and I were far enough apart in age that we did not have that type of close relationship when we were young. The thought of my boys being 'thicker than thieves' is a comforting thought to me. God help the rest of you though.

8. Walking to the local farmers market on a lazy Saturday morning.

9. Spending time in the friendly, yet vocal confines of Beaver Stadium watching the Penn State Nittany Lions steamroll their opponent. Nothing like the sound of 110,000 plus cheering in unison and feeling the earth shake from their footfalls.

10. Knowing that although I may disappear at work for weeks at a time (see note above), I have family and friends who will welcome me back when Spring ends and not yawn when I bore them with the details of my life at work.

Alright, there is my ten.

Now I am supposed to tag 10 people and ask them to blog about 10 things that make them happy. Problem is that I do not know how to tag people in a blog, and I would not know 10 to tag if I did (sorry). Even so, making this list did make me happy (that would be #11).

Missing Pieces

I decided to plagiarize this topic from a good friend.

I am missing pieces from the days following the passing of my Grandmother. We were expecting son #1 in less than a week when we got the phone call that she was gone. When you are that close to delivery, you should not go 3 hours away from your doctor and there was no way that I was going to leave my very pregnant wife at home alone. So we stayed put and grieved, but it was not the same. When you are around family and fiends, when you can see their faces, when you can give that hug and cry on a shoulder, when you can receive the condolences of others and when you can physically lift the casket and help walk it to the grave your grief changes. Those who know me know that I do not dwell on the negative and I am not writing about this to try to fill a deep void in my life. I am merely identifying some missing pieces to my life that I will never have the opportunity to find. The space they would have occupied was filled with quiet reflection, some tears on my pillow, and eventually (7 days past the due date) the most joyous day that I had known to that point (still second to none, but now in a tie with the day son #2 was born). Even so, the pieces are still missing and there is no going back to find them. Perhaps some day I will come to understand this time in a different way. Perhaps not. Either way, it does not change my love for my Grandmother and my love for my wife and children. Those pieces are the ones that matter most and they are carved into the very fabric of my being.

Prepare, adjust and work through it.

Well, looks like mother nature wants to dance yet again this winter. I wrote about her first turn on the floor in December - that was just a warm up. January was mostly quite - she was merely catching her breath. Now February has brought not one, but two 'storms of the century'. Guess we will be good to go for a couple hundred years after this one (weak grin). Got through that two week tango with barely the energy to unlace my boots. Spent the last ten days regrouping, recovering and repairing. Now, she steps on the floor to cut yet another rug. Not sure what to make of all this. With the weather, all we can do is prepare, adjust and work through it. A wiser man than I once said that there is no way to reason with Hurricane season. I am guessing that he lived in the warmer latitudes, but the same principal applies at approximately 40 degrees North with blizzard conditions. So, we take to the floor and dance again - prepare, adjust, work through, regroup, recover and repair. Takes all that I can muster to think about dancing with her again. Only comfort is the fact that I just have to follow, because in this dance, the lady leads.

Goodbye J.D. Salinger

The Catcher in the Rye - Chapter 22

"You know that song 'If a body catch a body comin' through the
rye'? I'd like-"
"It's 'If a body meet a body coming through the rye'!" old Phoebe
said. "It's a poem by Robert Burns."
"I know it's a poem by Robert Burns."
She was right though. It is 'If a body meet a body coming through the rye.'
I didn't know it then though. "I thought it was 'If a body catch a body' I
said."
"Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around - nobody big, I mean - except me. and I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do all day, I'd be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy"


Probably the most dog-eared book I have. The copy is worn and faded like a favorite wallet. This book was the first piece of real literature that I loved. I connected with it. Something about it clicked, and my world was not the same after. When I heard of Salinger's passing earlier this week, my first reaction was 'I did not know he was still alive'. Then a sigh ran through me and gave me a chill - like I had just heard of the passing of a old friend that you lost touch with. The kind of reaction that makes you want to pull out the old photo albums and look at old pictures. Except this time it is not an album. It is a dog-eared paperback with their name on the cover. Goodbye J.D. Salinger. Thank you for being my catcher in the rye.

Reunion chapter 1

Twenty years. TWENTY YEARS! 20 years? Has it really been that long? Well, it actually has. Later this year, my high school class will celebrate our 20 year reunion. It is sinking in slowly and somewhat painfully. Where do I begin? Well first off, I have never been one to care about my age so I am not dwelling on the fact that I am 20 years removed from HS. I also do not have any trepidation about how my former classmates will judge how I look, the car I drive, where I work or any of the other specifics of my life right now. I like my life, I like who I have become and except for some poundage I am happy with the way that I look. So then what is the big deal right? Well, I think it comes down to the fuzzy past. You know what I am talking about, how the memory of how it was 20 years ago is so much better than it actually was. There is so much I have forgotten and so much that I am most likely mis-remembering. I do know that my perspective on things from that time is very different no matter how I remember it. We lamented that we were stuck in a dead end town, that life was passing us by, and that if these were the best years of our lives then we were not all that jazzed about the future. Of course what you can tell an 18 year old and what they will believe are totally different things. While I would not trade all of HS for the two greatest moments of my life (births of my two sons), HS was not nearly as horrible as we thought. The world was simpler either in fact or in perception due to our narrow worldview, and we were under no pressure other than what we brought on ourselves. So, getting back to now and the impending event. I am not sure why I have a few butterflies over this. Maybe it is because on some level, I would like to keep remembering the people I lost touch with as they were back then. That the room will not be filled with old friends, old enemies and old acquaintances, but with strangers who happen to have a 20 year old picture in my yearbook (yearbook - that is a whole other blog altogether). Twenty years. More on this to come.

Chistmas, New Year & my last resolution.

Christmas:
Well, the snow came, I worked about 60 hours in 4 days, came home exausted with a cold and completely not ready for Christmas (which came right on schedule a few days after). Christmas was wonderful and filled with loving family, good food, and the wonderful smiles of children who believe in Santa. The last week went so fast that I almost feel like I missed a day or two in there.
New Year:
A wise singer once wrote the following lyric - 'Guess I'll make a resolution, that I'll never make another one, just enjoy this ride on my trip around the sun.' I would be foolish to assume that Jimmy Buffet has it all figured out, but I am with him on this one. Resolutions are too easily caught up in the day-to-day craziness that is life and then we are left feeling like we failed or let ourselves down. I see the new year as an opportunity to be a better Father, Husband, co-worker and person that I was before. If I focus on this big picture, it will be easier to do all the little things that are usually wrapped up in 'resolutions'.
Last Resolution:
I encourage everyone to join me in proclaming the last resolution:

"I resolve to never make another resolution"

Feels good, doesn't it?