Resolution

Coming down the stretch toward the end of 2011. This past year has been a challenge and a blessing in so many ways. It is easy to focus on the negative - the family and friends lost (some way too soon), the challenges with keeping sane in an increasingly disfunctional world, and the everyday stresses of family and work. It is not always as easy to focus on the positive - watching my sons grow and learn, the weeklong family vacation with perfect weather, the quiet moments that present themselves if you let them.

This time of year many people will try to close out 2011 and start anew with 2012.  They want to compartmentalize each year, evaluate it seperately and make a clean break on things that they do not like or should change.

'Ah-hah!' you say, 'now is the part where we talk about resolutions and the like!'.

Those who know me will most likely have heard me say that the only resolution I have ever made is to never make another one. The modern New Years Resolution is an attempt to make a change in our lives or how we live them in one fell swoop by simply stating or writing down what you will now do and/or will never do again. They have become cliche', hollow and rarely are followed through. This line of thinking treats our lives like this year was one project that is ending and that next year is another project that is about to begin (compartmentalization).

Better to use another definition of resolution - quality of detail in image. While this definition is about photo or video images rather than life experience, I find that it fits well in describing what I do. I do my best to self evaluate - give myself some constructive critisism, some praise (we all at least some things right) and determine what I need to work on more moving forward. Trying to reconcile the quality of detail in the image I have of myself and my life with what is actually going on outside my head.  To put it another way, I wish to bring my life more into focus. 

We are all travelers on a journey that ends the with the same result. Taking time every so often, say, every 365 days or so, to check how we are doing and make adjustments just might mean that our trip is more enjoyable and lasts longer.

Here's to all of us striving to be better people every day until our time on this earth ends - no matter the date on the calendar. 

Thankful

Another Thanksgiving come and gone. This year was extra special because we hosted both sides of the family in our home for Thanksgiving. We were not certain that we could fit that many in the house, but as our forefathers did, we made it work and everyone had a wonderful meal. Food and drink were plentiful, the kids played nicely, football on the TV. Typical realy.

When it came time to say grace I was ready. I had picked out a prayer by Emerson that I thought was good and it was non-denomenational (mixed religions in the room means that grace can become a point of contention if not handled with deference to all). Then someting happened that I did not expect. I bowed my head to read the words and got all choked up, almost to the point where I could not finish. I was not even sure why I felt the way I did. No one said anything and i have no idea what the rest of the family thought. So, the only one I needed to explain this to was me. Once everyone was gone and it was on to the long holiday weekend (and the honey-do list) I started to mull it over in my head. When the answer came to me I almost smacked myself in the forehead.

Something so simple.

It had been a Perfect Moment.

The fact that we were all there, together, breaking bread as a family on a beautiful fall day, happy, healthy, not thinking about our troubles or issues.

A Perfect Moment.

In this world, in the age that we live, these moments are rare.

We gather to be thankful for many things. Children, Spouse, family, health (of ourselves and the aforementioned), roof over our heads, job (especially these days), food on the table, etc. This list goes on. The one thing that goes unsaid but is (hopefully) felt by all is that thanks for that moment in time.

It comes and goes in an instant and we never know when (or if) the next one will come.

Looking for trouble

I had a thought this week that some people are just looking for trouble. Most people would say 'well duh', but I am thinking deeper than the obvious on this. how many times do we hear about someone who 'has everything'? Let's face it, most of the time you hear about them because they have done something stupid and now face losing all or some of what they had. Some would say that trouble finds them because everyone want what they have. Others would say that they find trouble because they have over sized 'it will never happen to me' egos. I propose a third alternative that there is something in all of us that does not allow us to feel right if there is not some drama in our lives. The urge may be stronger for some and there may be others who fall into categories one or two before this even kicks in. Nevertheless, it is there, waiting for things to get too comfy and then take over. I could list examples large and small, but you all know them as well as I do. Do we crave a certain amount of chaos? Are we hardwired for this?

Am I asking for trouble just by opening up the subject.

Been avoiding this...

Well, those who follow this blog know that I have been away for a while. A bit over ten months in fact. Not sure what happened to the first eight months. Time flys, it was a busy winter, kids grow too fast and there is not enough time in the day for all of it.

Excuses.

I do know why I have been away the last two months. It has to do with the tragic loss of the person who challenged me to start a blog in the first place. She was my first follower, my sometimes muse, and a wonderful friend. She left behind joyful memories, and heartbreaking what ifs. Her two sons and her husband will miss her more that anyone can imagine.

We are left asking why? We are left, each one of us, to mourn her in our own way. Part of my way has been to question where I am, what I am doing and where I am headed. As if her death was a horn and light in the fog, telling me to check my charts and instruments so that I am not dashed on the rocks. I have contemplated things great and small since her passing.

When I met this friend in college, I kept a journal. Technically it was a sketchbook and it was required for my major, but when I open them up and read through them, I remember enough to fill in the blanks that were too personal to include in something my professors occasionally read. I kept up with the journal off and on since leaving college. OK, more off than on. I remember thinking after writing my first few blogs and reading others blogs that it was very much like an online version of my old sketchbooks.

So that led me to this question: Should I keep the blog, keep the journal, keep both or loose both? Let's remove the obvious and say that I will not stop doing both. I see value in each, and each one lifts my soul in different ways. Also, should I feel compelled to keep blogging in honor of my dear friend? The answer there is easy. The first thing she said to me about blogging was to do it only if you like it. Never do it because you feel required to do it in any way. Words to blog by. A blog also become public property - once you put it out there, anyone who can find it can read it, so it is different from my journal. I would love to tell you that I came to a concrete decision and have a grand plan but that would be a lie. For now, lets say that I am keeping my options open with regard to the blog and journal.

As for my avoidance of the blog, well that is certainly done. I still miss my friend more than I can express, and it pains me to see her last blog entry and know that there will be no more. But, I am going to soldier on, keep a stiff upper lip, and know that no matter what happens from here on, it's all good if you can laugh.